A Monstrous Affair

Desert Au Lait
WITH GUEST STAR "SAND", PLAYED BY ITSELF.

Once they got past the whole “sandstorm blocking our exit to signal the end of the session from last time” thing, the party was able to move past the cave of torment and sealed molesters, and decided to blaze upon the trail! Except it was more like deciding where to go, as there were multiple options, most of them agreeable. They went THAT-A-WAY which was the way of a town marked on Leo’s map, but found another town before that as they got a bit lost on the way there (and two of the denser humans found themselves bickering and almost wrestling for a map).

This town was abandoned, deserted, and looked to have been that way for a pretty loooohohong time, as any building that wasn’t buried in sand was either empty and ransacked, or holding nothing of value, with one exception. Half the party was shortly entranced by a haunting musical melody drawing them in, and the other half went to investigate further into people’s houses, netting themselves a dusty old parchment detailing the plans of an ambush! Which… looked to be really old and probably outdated. However, they could still go investigate the ambush location, although Leo mentioned there weren’t really any towns in that direction marked on her dad’s map, so… huh.

Venn proved himself to be denser than a neutron star going supernova with the music-playing person of interest, and the party went on their merry way towards the allegedly-ambushing site. There was no ambush there, but there was a town that was unmarked in Leo’s map, and it looked to be an Order-aligned town! Which meant that all the monster girls in the party had to remain behind while the bozos (and Leo) went there to resupply on food, equipment and quests. After a pot devil, a teammate entering the negaverse through a time-space continuum fuckup when attempting to talk to a magician girl without pants, and a horrifying sewer trip, the group had stocked up on everything they needed, including but not limited to:
> scarf
> candy
> cookies
> tinyperson with a funny accent
And much, much more.

They still had plenty of time to travel before the sun killed them by going down on them (not in that way a sun girl would mean the party’s SOL ahaaaa_hahahaha_), so they set out towards the town marked on Leo’s papa’s map. This town was a hive of scum and villainy, to be sure, as most monster towns are. By scum and villainy I of course mean hot women and hot springs. It’s all hot. It’s a desert. That’s how we DO.

Venn deployed his usual tricks involving cards and shirt-removal and other things while Konrad, Rowen and Ellis investigated the massive pyramid, which as it turned out to be was something of a tourist location mixed with a God spa. As most pyramids are, of course. Ellis went the way of three wavy lines while Konrad and Rowen went the way of actually good things to behold. One party was assailed by a shouting God-doggy and one party was assaulted by a dangerous Mighty Cat, although neither situation came upon without slight provocation on the part of the heroes. Rowen patted the doggy and Ellis said he was single. Once you do that you’re just signing your death warrant, really.

Long story increheheeeedibly short, the JRPG protagonist was taken out by the doggy’s comeback shouting to his petting, which was somewhat along the lines of WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE MOTHERFUCKERRRRRS, while Ellis apparently decided that trying to pry the hot, damp semi-naked woman off of himself would take too long, and so he ran away while carrying her. This was about as good of an idea as you can expect. Venn soon joined the Konrad-Rowen side of the pyramid and managed to save a Rowen from further mental scarring by making him disappear and appear outside, and then the bookworm-clown combination was also shouted at for a long, long period of time, in intervals of GO AWAY AHH and WAIT DON’T GO I DIDN’T TELL YOU TO GO YET. Then Ellis arrived to deliver a well-timed HISSATSU to the doggernaut’s face… in the shape of a really light tap to the face.

Moral of the day: cat tats, dog bops.

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Valuable life lessons
Like "never get involved in a land war with Heaven" and "never fight succubus twins while they're together".

After finishing their business with the ancient dead civilization, the group of adventurers once more took to the road and began following the map to free two sisters from their unjust sealing, with Leo expressing her doubts about the plan very transparently all the way. I mean, come on, the woman who gave them the quest is a succubus, that is some deal with the devil shit right there! But nonetheless, everyone pressed on with this business.

Getting to the pointed location was a dangerous trek through a really boring fucking plain, and some things happened with regards to Ellis wanting honey, Rowen wanting honey too and getting caught by a monster girl, and Venn having to come help the two idiots. Leo wished she wasn’t there. Y’know, the fine quality adventurin’ you’d come to expect from this party.

After that bout of excitement, the party finally found the place where the sisters had been sealed, a small cave that didn’t seem to be visited much or at all… but it did seem to be currently occupied! By someone living there! Granted, that wasn’t terribly bad, as it was just a chimeric monster who wanted to do her job of keeping intruders out. Unfortunately the party counted as intruders. Fortunately she was kind of an idiot and the party is very progressive at the whole “progress” thing, pioneering the art of diversion so that Rowen could unseal the sisters while Venn and Ellis distracted the guardian of the cave.

Rowen succeeded at his task.

Everyone wished he hadn’t.

The twin engines of the world’s destruction were once again allowed to live after an eternity, and they were transparently okay with showing their master plan to the party, that being to ‘save the world by turning it into Pandemonium’. And generally being pretty evil and GIVE ME THE DANGLER about their approach, so there’s that. A climactic battle soon broke out, with everybody doing their part in keeping the twins on their ffffokay not really on their feet considering they floated but still! Ellis and Rowen unfortunately took the worst of it, although Konrad wasn’t exactly best peaches himself for the duration of the fight, being much more frail than the two fighters. Venn was fine though he was great.

Near the end of the fight, the sisters assumed their combined true form of a literal sweater fiend, and although they were imposing, the fight didn’t last for very long until a monstrous savior arrived to split them back up and then arrest them. To take them to Pandemonium herself. Which was perfectly fine by the party, who were definitely on their last legs. Mostly. Not really, but they could’ve been. Anyway, the party vowed to leave the cave, although Ellis felt a little bad about leaving the Chimera without a job after ruining her job of guarding the sisters, so he offered her the choice to come along with them. She said yes. Then everyone left.

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Indiana Bones and the Temple of Swoon
Still better than The Kraken's Hull, to be quite honest.

Once they had proved themselves capable of doing literally nothing with regards to the bandit problem, the party decided to head down to the structure in Bandit Town, where they were let in by a gatekeeper, which yielded entry into a scholarly place of wonder. Konrad had a nice field day with all the researchers researching things and Venn ruined the fun of the researchers researching things by doing tricks at them. Meanwhile, the gung-ho part of the group took a more direct approach to researching, and headed down a flight of stairs, descending for a long time before they arrived at what seemed to be an underground civilization of sorts, with a nice ancient temple in the distance. Checking that out was TOP PRIORITY, and the people up top found out a bit about their culture thanks to the scholars knowing about their culture.

The temple itself, while spacious and ancient, didn’t hold much. Just a couple of armors, one of them rather suspicious but not worth bothering with at the time, and a lot of hieroglyphics that lined the wall depicting a girl with a giant rack being defeated or danced at by two girls. Eventually the party arrived at the heart of the temple, with a much larger depiction of the hieroglyphic acting as a mural, with a sparkly gemerald just hiding there. Of note is that the room began slowly filling up with mist, but enough about that! Gemerald! Prying it out was no easy task, but with perseverance, guts and hard work, the party managed to bring it out of its indentation! They really wish they hadn’t done that.

After unleashing a sweater-wielding terrortastic succubus and informing her of what the world is like now that it’s not all ANCIENT and whatnot, the party was given a map and a quest to unleash the two girls pictured in the hieroglyphics. For some reason this wasn’t fishy as fuck, but the succubus POMF’d out soon after that, leaving the party to just go do that thing. Leo said it was a bad idea. No one believed her. That would come back to bite them in the back. But that’d come later!

Before that, the party had to leave the (now heavy with thick foggy mist) temple and go back up! Unfortunately, as one martial artist found out, the outside was now a bit leak-y with rain, which is impossible because they were underground. Another impossible thing is the temple turning into a Gothic cathedral and the previously not-a-graveyard outside was now a graveyard outside. Leo did not like that at all because she does not like graveyards, and neither would the party as a shambling, rumbling, tumbling suit of armor began walking out of the templecathedral they had just left behind.

Boss fight! It ensued, a lot of ensuing happened and ensued. The identified Dullahan was confirmed as being the captain of the Monster Lord’s Royal Guard, which certainly caused her to look invincible, but a well-placed explosive finisher (this time delivered by Ellis) made short work of the animated armor. As she disappeared into spooky mist, the rest of the fog was lifted and the illusion vanished, as if returning them from Silent Hill to the good part of the game. They left the underground ancient place right after, and vowed to fulfill the succubus’ request to unseal an ancient evil.

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Bash-A-Bandit
The much less successful spiritual successor to Whack-A-Mole.

After their heroic venture into the Scary Snake’s Smouth (it’s like a mouth but snakier), the adventuring party turns to the nearby town for more rests and more quests, with Venn performing card tricks while everybody relevant went to check the massive tower-like structure that stood out from the scummy slummy look in the rest of the town. There, they were given out a quest to beat up the bandit leader, although not in those words, it was more like ‘go away this isn’t a good town to be in ever’, but you know how heroes are. Heroes are like heroes are, and after fetching the card-trickstery clown before he was stabbed by the many bandits around, the party was directed towards the leader of the mooks around into another part of town.

Reaching a bar at said part of town, they were stopped from their anti-bandit crusade by the bandit leader they were looking for crashing into them at the door, presumably after being thrown around by the feisty lizard woman who would probably appreciate not being door-blocked by the party as she tried to make her exit. After that brief confusion was cleared, the Salamander absconded from the bar with an angry of drunk bandits trailing behind her, which she beat up in short order with the help of Ellis, and a little argument was sparked by her bad technique-naming technique. She, as it turns out, was kind of an idiot. But what the hey, both parties assumed the opposite to be ‘a secret bonus boss’, and wanting to get in on that juicy EXP, a boss fight ensued.

Salamander versus Hero and Fighter. Well, the latter group won for obvious reasons (it was the fighter and definitely not the explosive finisher-delivering Rowen), but it wasn’t over just yet, as the Salamander unleashed her own explosive finisher! … which soared over everyone and hit a building and made it collapse, shortly before she collapsed too. Some first-aid and a quick examinated from the hands of Herr Doktor later, and the Salamander was bid adieu forever and ever.

Unless she turns out to be an optional recurring boss fight at every town! Nah, that’d be ridiculous.

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Is your firewall running?
You should catch it before it turns into a hot girl and disappears.

The session begins as all good sessions should: with a foreign man talking to a wall of fire and a massive horde of men and monster girls assailing him so he joins their party. Not having anything better to do, a new member is added to the adventuring group and they try to solve the conundrum of the talking wall of fire, before resolving to just walk through it because Rowen and Ellis are a bunch of idiots.

This is the right thing to do.

As it turns out, said wall of fire reveals itself to be none other than an Ignis, a fire spirit who is a hot lady on fire who is just pretending to be a firewall. Because a Mighty Snake told her to and she’d get yelled at otherwise. She left after that, and the group proceeded towards their next destination, some kind of place where a tyrannical giant snake did bad things to people or some such, with Ellis only being mildly aware of what the fuck he was supposed to be doing with these folk.

They all eventually arrived at an intersection that lead to either a town or a shrine-cave place, the latter beating the former in going-there votes; getting there was easy enough, and the party was met by no resistance until they stepped into the shrine itself, where a Mighty Snake attempted to demoralize them… and was demoralized in return by bullying and questions and being called Shirobaby. A fight soon broke out, and the masquerade was exposed, with the Shirohebi being not even that big or mighty and in fact being quite kawaii and pathetic. She was dispatched by Leo with a FINAL ATTACK RIDE of lightning and limit-breaking.

Some more shenanigans happened in the cave, but the main quest and the reason to go in there at all was resolved, so the adventuring party simply continued their journey.

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